Shit it has been years!

So today my friend and I were hanging out. well he likes to draw, so naturally he carries a notebook around. well, today he asked me to look at some of his drawings. which of course was not a problem. i started with his most recent work. but as i looked through the book, i ended up at the front page. there written on that page, was a note from his girlfriend. which read; ______ you are loved, and know that you are loved. merry christmas too you. i love you. of course, as i read this i felt heartbroken. as i do most days. just wishing that some one might see past the depression and the pain.

im tired of being hurt, feeling hurt, and knowing hurt. why am i treated differently? why am i not equal to a man of taller stature? if that is even the problem? i just dont know! well it got me thinking. i talk to women all of the time. i tell them about my problems and the most frequent answer i get is, " i dont understand." women always tell me that. they say im attractive and they dont understand why im so lonely. well the truth is, i dont understand it either. i try and, "talk," to women. i just never seem to see results.

in my mind, i believe, that women are not attracted to short males. that women do not like men with confidence or insecurity issues. as well as, anxiety problems. i dont understand why exactly. in my opinion i am a fine man, with many qualities suiting a mate. yet i am always left in the dust. even the shorter women will have nothing to do with me. my philosophy is that the shorter the woman, the taller the man she wants. yet woman do not like to date men shorter than them, and in my experience shorter women want the tallest guys. sounds like entrapment to me.

this logic seems stupid to me, yet its never been beaten. women seem scared of me, like i would cause a problem. but i feel as if im the most kind - hearted man on the planet. my point proves itself in tv as well. even midget wome date midget men taller then themselves. this fucked up society has led me towards a path of self mutilation. but only in the mental sense. i constantly feel like im not good enough for anyone, and when i do have the courage to talk to someone. i get over excited and/or they think im weird and stop talking to me.

why are people like this? im pretty sure this happens all over the planet. is it natural selection? are short guys meant to be eliminated, by way of evolution? im tired of hearing people telling me i will find my soulmate. when they have already found theirs, or atleast think they have, and they are 4-5 years younger than i am. im extra tired of seeing women fall in, "LOVE," with assholes that cheat on them. then the "cheater," tells their friends about it, yet their friends can't say anything. for fear of being called a RAT or TRAITOR. what makes me even madder is the fact that some women even know that their boyfriend or significant other is a cheat or an asshole. yet they still stand by their side. even when the man cheats or dumps them for shitty reasons!

this i dont understand.i have never cheated in my life! i have never been a complete ass! i have always tried to be the nicest man i could. not for myself, but for the woman i am/was with. but they never seem to appreciate it. they always say im over jealous or i dont give them enough space. i dont try to be a cloud. i always try to be the man of their dreams!

so many women tell me im amazing. yet none of them will date me. im sick of women taking advantage of me. kissing me and telling me they want to be with me. only to find out a week or two later that they want nothing to do with me. fake ass hoes! i mean just the other day, i was at a concert with some friends. this one girl, who i have had a crush on for years, is there. well the night starts well. no intention of any kind in my mind, and yet i end up making out with her. next thing i know her parents are wanting me to spend the night with her. of course i obliged, during the night we talked about many things. i told her i would like to be with her. she said she would like to be with me as well. so of course, knowing me, i left the next morning feeling wonderful. not because i had sex with her or even tried to for that manner. i have too much respect for that. but just because of the fact that i knew i wasnt neccesarily a loser. thats why i left with my head held high. knowing that someone might actually care, and i wouldn't mind being a part of their family as well. if they'd let me :)

I dont know how to talk to women. i guess i dont have, "GAME." anyways, i knew she had had a crush on me since she was little. later on i was told that she didnt want to be with me. not because she didnt want to be my girlfriend., but because and i quote, " i am a bitch, and im not good enough for you. you wouldn't want a bitch would you?" what the fuck kind of response is that? im so sick of the, " its not you, its me," fucking scheme! its so fucking old, and this is a woman i've know for years. i have the blessing of her family. but no one ever wants what their told they can have. now do they? i guess not.

i just feel so alone. like i have just been left in the cosmos to float around and be sad, angry, and humiliated. its not like i dont have confidence in myself. i have no problem getting on stage and rocking out in front of hundereds of people. yet i cannot ever seem to muster up the courage to talk to a girl. outright, no bullshit. i dont even know how i am supposed to act in front of a girl. i try to be myself, then im told to change. then when i act different im told im not being myself, and there we go. another cycle in the love life that is me.

i've been single for four years now, and i feel like the lonliest man on the planet. what is wrong with me? why am i not suitable for a mate? no matter what i do, i never seem to find someone. some say it might have to do with my first relationship. it was the longest relationship i have ever been in. 9 months, of greatness, until she cheated on me with me with my bestfriend at the time. i was 15 years old, i was heart broken. but no one cared. i have always been the loser. for what reason i do not know. i am just so puzzled as to why i am disliked so much? all i long for is a partner, a loving mate!

i know it sounds silly, but i better myself much more with a girl then without. i mean i dont want to be an alkie forever. i just would like a woman to fill the void. then again maybe im just a loser with problems. that isn't worth helping.

i dont know, tell me what you think!

lets not even begin with how i feel when my friends are around with their girlfriends or when i go out and i get to see all the gf/bf action. i get so do sick and jealous, i throw up most times. why am i not wanted?