cant control a god damn thing.

feel so helpless these days.not really sure where im headed as of now. things have been hard and interesting and i have been stupid. i iwsh i had more answers, i wish i had more questions. i wish life would cut me a break sometimes. it like never recedes always some sort of problem. i spite the world sometimes, when i cant figure out why its telling me to do things that just hurt me. pain a lovely four letter word that describes just were i am at right now. i am tired of pain, its lost its allure, now it just sucks. it sucks to hurt. the worst feeling in the world is probably knowe ing that you love someone that will never love you back. hearts are horrible things to break
ans once it has broken its hard to fix. mines been broken so many times that i believe my heart to now be made of shatter proof glass, but that also means my heart doesnt function properly. i long and i long and i long for something special something unique. its been forever since ive had an actual good relationship. another thing that sux, the people who care dont care like that and the ones who dont care dont care so it seems like were stuck. i am sooooooo ready to just drop to my knees ask for forgivness and give up. i have almost lost faith in love. theres too much drama. love is a real thing, but maybe theres too much of it inside me. an excess of love. ha could that be possible. anyways its just like im sick and tired of giving my heart to all these people only to have it trampled every single time. all i have ever asked is that i can give love to someone and have them love me back. actual love. someone who truly cares. some one who gives a shit. i have felt alone for sometime now. i have felt alone since forever, since i left, i guess. the last time i was stripped of everything i hold dear, when i lost every friend i had every lover iever had. lost all the people that knew me then and there. no there gone and all they have is memories a couple photo's but there gone. theres no going back to that now. i always feel alone, like no one understands me. i feel so confused and lost all the time, when im sittin at home by myself all i do is watch tv and smoke pot until i fall asleep, then i wake up and deal with the drama of life. thats probably why ive ben sleeping all day recently and going out at night
because at night there are less things to deal with. why god has given me this life im not quite sure, but i have a hunch. what i am doing with this life, is yet to be seen. kind of in a stand still as of now. no progress, no nothing. stand still nothing getting worse, but nothings getting better. i dont get it either. its like the one things i ask to get out of life is love but life never seems to give me anything like that. i always get the girl that needs me more than i need them, but no one can see how needy i am. i need a girl that makes me feel important, but not overly nice. i really do need help with this life, and i will eventually find the person who is too show me which ways to go. lead me on my path. just when. life is hard and it sucks but if you stick it out you will come out ahead, but it seems ive been sticking it out for a long time. and nothing seems to have changed. i wish i had some answers, or i wish some were delivered to me. one day an angel will be granted me. i just wish for it to be sooner rather than later.one day some one will see me for who i really am and theyll embrace that and love that. but i guess until then im stuck loving all that doesnt love all that loves and everything in between. untill someone saves me from myself and my self destructive ways. love is all i need. but when its needed most its gone. alone and lost is were i am somewhere in the hills of life, i wish i had a map, i have to go by the north star now, and thats not an easy thing to do. grant me the serenity, grant me the ability, grant me the wisdom. give me love.