many people say im the most negative person they have ever met. yet i believe, im the most optimistic person i know. i just hate how women are. cuz they have no idea what they want in life. most times.

Shit it has been years!

So today my friend and I were hanging out. well he likes to draw, so naturally he carries a notebook around. well, today he asked me to look at some of his drawings. which of course was not a problem. i started with his most recent work. but as i looked through the book, i ended up at the front page. there written on that page, was a note from his girlfriend. which read; ______ you are loved, and know that you are loved. merry christmas too you. i love you. of course, as i read this i felt heartbroken. as i do most days. just wishing that some one might see past the depression and the pain.

im tired of being hurt, feeling hurt, and knowing hurt. why am i treated differently? why am i not equal to a man of taller stature? if that is even the problem? i just dont know! well it got me thinking. i talk to women all of the time. i tell them about my problems and the most frequent answer i get is, " i dont understand." women always tell me that. they say im attractive and they dont understand why im so lonely. well the truth is, i dont understand it either. i try and, "talk," to women. i just never seem to see results.

in my mind, i believe, that women are not attracted to short males. that women do not like men with confidence or insecurity issues. as well as, anxiety problems. i dont understand why exactly. in my opinion i am a fine man, with many qualities suiting a mate. yet i am always left in the dust. even the shorter women will have nothing to do with me. my philosophy is that the shorter the woman, the taller the man she wants. yet woman do not like to date men shorter than them, and in my experience shorter women want the tallest guys. sounds like entrapment to me.

this logic seems stupid to me, yet its never been beaten. women seem scared of me, like i would cause a problem. but i feel as if im the most kind - hearted man on the planet. my point proves itself in tv as well. even midget wome date midget men taller then themselves. this fucked up society has led me towards a path of self mutilation. but only in the mental sense. i constantly feel like im not good enough for anyone, and when i do have the courage to talk to someone. i get over excited and/or they think im weird and stop talking to me.

why are people like this? im pretty sure this happens all over the planet. is it natural selection? are short guys meant to be eliminated, by way of evolution? im tired of hearing people telling me i will find my soulmate. when they have already found theirs, or atleast think they have, and they are 4-5 years younger than i am. im extra tired of seeing women fall in, "LOVE," with assholes that cheat on them. then the "cheater," tells their friends about it, yet their friends can't say anything. for fear of being called a RAT or TRAITOR. what makes me even madder is the fact that some women even know that their boyfriend or significant other is a cheat or an asshole. yet they still stand by their side. even when the man cheats or dumps them for shitty reasons!

this i dont understand.i have never cheated in my life! i have never been a complete ass! i have always tried to be the nicest man i could. not for myself, but for the woman i am/was with. but they never seem to appreciate it. they always say im over jealous or i dont give them enough space. i dont try to be a cloud. i always try to be the man of their dreams!

so many women tell me im amazing. yet none of them will date me. im sick of women taking advantage of me. kissing me and telling me they want to be with me. only to find out a week or two later that they want nothing to do with me. fake ass hoes! i mean just the other day, i was at a concert with some friends. this one girl, who i have had a crush on for years, is there. well the night starts well. no intention of any kind in my mind, and yet i end up making out with her. next thing i know her parents are wanting me to spend the night with her. of course i obliged, during the night we talked about many things. i told her i would like to be with her. she said she would like to be with me as well. so of course, knowing me, i left the next morning feeling wonderful. not because i had sex with her or even tried to for that manner. i have too much respect for that. but just because of the fact that i knew i wasnt neccesarily a loser. thats why i left with my head held high. knowing that someone might actually care, and i wouldn't mind being a part of their family as well. if they'd let me :)

I dont know how to talk to women. i guess i dont have, "GAME." anyways, i knew she had had a crush on me since she was little. later on i was told that she didnt want to be with me. not because she didnt want to be my girlfriend., but because and i quote, " i am a bitch, and im not good enough for you. you wouldn't want a bitch would you?" what the fuck kind of response is that? im so sick of the, " its not you, its me," fucking scheme! its so fucking old, and this is a woman i've know for years. i have the blessing of her family. but no one ever wants what their told they can have. now do they? i guess not.

i just feel so alone. like i have just been left in the cosmos to float around and be sad, angry, and humiliated. its not like i dont have confidence in myself. i have no problem getting on stage and rocking out in front of hundereds of people. yet i cannot ever seem to muster up the courage to talk to a girl. outright, no bullshit. i dont even know how i am supposed to act in front of a girl. i try to be myself, then im told to change. then when i act different im told im not being myself, and there we go. another cycle in the love life that is me.

i've been single for four years now, and i feel like the lonliest man on the planet. what is wrong with me? why am i not suitable for a mate? no matter what i do, i never seem to find someone. some say it might have to do with my first relationship. it was the longest relationship i have ever been in. 9 months, of greatness, until she cheated on me with me with my bestfriend at the time. i was 15 years old, i was heart broken. but no one cared. i have always been the loser. for what reason i do not know. i am just so puzzled as to why i am disliked so much? all i long for is a partner, a loving mate!

i know it sounds silly, but i better myself much more with a girl then without. i mean i dont want to be an alkie forever. i just would like a woman to fill the void. then again maybe im just a loser with problems. that isn't worth helping.

i dont know, tell me what you think!

lets not even begin with how i feel when my friends are around with their girlfriends or when i go out and i get to see all the gf/bf action. i get so do sick and jealous, i throw up most times. why am i not wanted?

thesis

"life has an end but a natural end but you have to do all what you need to do in life before you pass on."

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'sammy
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TATTOO

well here i am again. how has the world been? i know its been awhile and im not used to typing enteries anymore but its time for one. so as im sure all of you know in the past year i've gotten three tattoo's. i have a star of david with a cross in the middle, i have a butterfly, and i have the hebrew word for love with a cool flame design going around it ( and the lettering is "LOVE PARK" style.) now some have been controversial and some people dont like or understand and im not going to explain it right now. just know that im not by any means Jewish , happen to be southern baptist, its a personal thing. also yes i have a tattoo of a butterfly and it happens to be on my back in a feminine way . get over it i dont give a shit. some people think its queer, i think its hot. plus it means something to me.
peace fuckers,

shows updated

well as i have told all of you before i had never been to a concert before. well that changed all of a sudden thanks to one beautiful lady and her lovely mother. so i have now decided to start a list of shows i have been too as well as a little bit of info about each one.
1. Greenday : awesomely awesome my first concert ever, what an experience!
2. Ozzfest : i saw Arch Enemy, Rob Zombie (my first crowd surfing experience), Black Label Society(omg zakk wylde), Shadows Fall, Mudvayne, Velvet Revolver (scott weiland rocked house, slash kicked ass, duff mckagan ruled), and last but not ever least BLACK SABBATH!! ( ozzie osbourne, geezer butler, tony iomi. those three guys changed music forever and i got to see them live that probably won't happen for much longer)
3. 311,unwritten law, and papa roach: awesome concert, i went for papa roach and unwritten law but i left with 311 in my heart. turns out 311 kicks balls live, boy did they put on a show. amazing!!
4. wezzer & foo fighters: yet another amazingly awesome concert. weezer was wonderful. foo fighters ruled that show though. dave grohl was bad ass. he throws a hell of a show and he was drunk ha.
5. buzzfest: i saw cold, nickelback,audioslave, coheed and cambria, fall out boy, 10 years, and many more. this fest rocked more than any of the others,all i have to say is go see a show rollin, ha. triple stack red scorpions.
6. REHAB concert. yay! what a great easter, rehab was probably the most energetic show ive seen. they rocked balls. the opening band was called the rasta rock remedy, they were of notoriety they were a reggaeish funky type of band, i enjoyed them.
7. Hootie and the blowfish. awesome concert. good bluesy music. great day. 7/28/06 ldwjra. free tickets provided by drug dealer. wonderful day. good food, good music, good company.

the philosophy

well i finally figured it out. no woman will ever understand how i feel because no woman is really ever alone, there is always some guy who wants that girl. that is a feeling of security because even if the girl doesnt want to be with that person she always knows that he's there and willing. i on the other hand dont have anything like that i have friends bestfriends acquaintances but no one to love and no one who even looks at me like that. when i say im alone i mean it. no one ever asks me if im allright or if anythings wrong. no one comes over just to hang out with me and not smoke weed or do something. ive been sitting in a hole a thousand feet deep for months now and no one even seems to have noticed anything wrong with me. it just shows that no one is watching me. i want to believe that somewhere out there there is someone who is thinking about me, but its highly unprobable. im tired of feeling like i have no where to go , i need someone to push me harder and in the right direction. i keep getting worse falling deeper into depression and drug abuse. i have nothing to live for but dreams and hopes of music and love. i wish for what you see in movies someone so beautiful so amazing someone who changes everything about the person you are but then actually changes nothing about you. thats what i live on wishes hopes dreams. is that foolish, maybe but how else do you live life. im sick and tired of having nothing but myself a guitar and my dreams. im tired of waiting for something im not sure i will ever have but i keep trying and end up hurting myself even more. im not the type of person to shut themselves down and not say what they feel but im getting pretty damn close to reaching the edge and shutting down. ive prayed everyday for the past 2 years for someone to save me and i still need saving. maybe im supposed to drown, deep in myself.

*this is just how i feel please take no heed and dont think of it as whining i need an outlet and atleast this way people can stumble upon it by accident and maybe learn from it or agree with it.

jekyll/hyde return

i was flying fast on a windred cloud
the beings beneath me could not cope very well
with the extreme speeds but they were showing no signs
of retreat. i pointed my taser at them and shot relentlessly.
a few were injured a couple killed. but there numbers were still strong.

the cloud had a mind of its own, it was given to me by my greatgrandfather when i was fifteen. it could sense every direction i wanted it to go in and how fast i wanted it to do it. it knew when danger was present and had a keen ability to take control when needed. the cloud protected me through all those years of war.

the beings were giants ten, eleven feet tall, human like characteristics, same hair, same eyes, etc. they were slow by comparison and weighed four times as much. the one advantage they did have though was strength. these creatures could uproot trees, hurl cars, and punch holes through concrete 6 feet thick.

the leader of the beings was jovan, a slender giant with knowledge surpassing all the rest. jovan was more human than any of the other for he was the creator. their god so to speak. back three centuries ago he discovered the correct combination of ingriedients to re develope mr.hyde's famous, sought after dr.jekyll potion. thus this being the curse.

the problem with the potion being that once ingested you never can go back. from that point forward you are forever a jekyll.